random

Certain days work can be inexplicably exciting when even the most mundane task can provide a small amount of entertainment; and others can just sucks ass.

I check three email accounts at work: mine, our VP’s, and an account we have posted on our website for people to use who wish to advertise with the company. Together these accounts generate 275-300 emails per day. Do not ask me why, but I have my computer programmed to “ring” a friendly chimey doorbelly noise every time one of these accounts receives incoming mail. Approximately 480 minutes in the workday, that’s a friendly chime about every 1.2 minutes. I have a terrible headache today and want so bad to hurl my speakers through the corridor hopefully hitting my lesbian boss on her tiny forehead.

Why, you ask, do I not just turn the speakers off or reprogram my email? Why indeed.

We had a softball game last night for our office team which usually includes: losing badly to other teams made up mostly of girls, drinking heavily at nearby bars, and someone unavoidably making a fool of themselves. Last night nothing unusual happened, lots of beer, lots of wings, and WAY too much talk about office softball.

When I got home around midnight though I decided it would be a good time to wrap my boyfriends birthday gifts, which have been hidden for a while. I usually wrap gifts with newspaper but thought I would be extra fancy and use taped together magazine pages. The gifts were spread on the counter, along with two days worth of mail, a couple of Vidalia onions, dryer sheets, and a grocery list.

All I know is some of these things were missing when I finished wrapping. We will find out this weekend if he is getting a rotten onion or my T-Mobile bill.

good costume idea turns bad

If you know me you know that I am a Halloween freak and love coming up with stupid costumes and going to Halloween parties.

What I hate most are girls who use this holiday as a reason to dress like uncreative sluts.

There is nothing neither funny nor interesting about a slutty witch, a slutty vampire, or a slutty cat. Sure boobs may be fun to look at, but laughs are better attention.

One year I decided to make costumes for my now ex-boyfriend and myself for this party we were attending. (Not only did my ex not wear the costume I made for him, he ruthlessly made fun of me the entire night.)

I took a large box cut out two holes in opposite sides and one hole in the top. I painted the box white then painted black dots in appropriate places. I put it over my head put my arms through the holes and was transformed into a very large and very uncomfortable die.

Well, we were supposed to be a pair of dice, but I was by myself, a die.

It looked ridiculous and therefore made me laugh. It never occurred to me how hard I would make people laugh, at me- all night. I soon discovered the most tragic flaw in this costume. I could not lift my arm high enough for my hand to reach my mouth, thus creating a horribly scary and life threatening situation. I was physically unable to drink. It took several hours and many inventions but I was finally able to drink tall boys using three straws taped together with little effort.

My friends thought it would be hilarious to shove me over and over into the wall. Thus began the game of craps, or crap in this case. It didn't hurt until the next day when I woke up in a box on the couch.

No. Way. You girls are sooooo creative!

badboy chillon on the wesside

I met this guy at a party in college a long time ago. I had to rack my brain trying to remember him as he was completely un-interesting and non-fun to talk to when we met.

The more I got to thinking, the more I remembered how he followed me around all night and really creeped me out.

Thank god I never gave him my phone number. Why I gave him my email, I will never know.

He decided to randomly IM me after 7 years. Yeah, that’s normal.

Below is the entire conversation copied directly from my IM box. Only his screen name and phone # were changed.

BadBy: ;-)
TracyE: who is this?
BadBy: hi Tracy.how r u....
TracyE: who is this?
BadBy: been 2 long...2 bad I'm soooo far from u.,,,
BadBy: don't woory hun, I have a serious woman now but...
BadBy: still would like to say hi for old times and kix....
TracyE: who the fuck is this?
BadBy: It's Derek, from New York...never 4got you and the crazy party in Richmond yrs ago
TracyE: still not sure who you are and if you do not tell me and/or stop typing like an asshole I will block this address
BadBy: wait r u from Virginia??
BadBy: do u remem meeting a sxxy Ital from NY..I think the dorm was GRC at VCU..and you were w/ some cats from the city
BadBy: we met at a party there 1 night...anyway, never 4got u....luved ur whole approach qt,,,
TracyE: ohh I remember that party now
BadBy: anyauy, justy wanted 2 say hi...how's ur man,,how's Va?
TracyE: in NY with a new man
BadBy: no shyt..
BadBy: I live in Astoria w/ my grl..
BadBy: say hi...dEREK...212 203 ****
TracyE: busy at work right now- I work like a Mexican on fire
BadBy: I would like 2 say what up 4 old x's if u like.......
TracyE: cant
BadBy: plus ur in NY now??!...dammm....4 reel I know the ill lounge spots...call me late if u like
TracyE: grt- u me 4get the txms & go 4evr hnwsfiowvbkljrgn
BadBy: honestly...just a friend if u like...we tight no worries u know
BadBy: ;-)
BadBy: g2g2 in like 2 ...at work
BadBy: can u throw me ur cell..say hi...or call me...k >..say hi sily,,,mad chill, .alll good
BadBy: throw me ur cell irf u like hun
TracyE: I accidentally threw my cell off a bridge
BadBy: no doubt...blasty from the past,,,,
BadBy: meet me out in nyc..u and me..................relax ur self.....
BadBy: nowortries....I'm a sweetheart remem......w/ a grl...just want 2 say hgi...ur in ny???? BadBy: call 212 203 ****
BadBy: I chillon the w side, u know....puff raw killas on my fre time;-)
BadBy: u near me meet 4..lunch?
TracyE: I’m anorexic
BadBy: now ur bein chill...ty
BadBy: it would b funny to me..I thought u like were dead or somethin..u know would b funny to get up w/ a qt from ...the wayyy past
BadBy: whats ur cell # if feel like...swear on my life..I'm married now..
TracyE: sounds like I wont
BadBy: just say hi 4 fun...I would mention u 2 my grl...ur from the past.....both of u should meet us out and party over drinks...yo, Trazy this blonde is sooo sxxy,
BadBy: block ur # from work..c'man
BadBy: hwat type of work u up 2 these days? i do sales, sellin cellies ya know
BadBy: should I turn my ringer back on now?...can u hit me up 4 like 2 min.?...if feel like, block ur # from work...212 203 ****....k??
TracyE: no thanks freak bag
BadBy: ha ha..i c
BadBy: really no t tryin 2 get w/ u...but i got ya

Wow.

My favorite is “I chillon the w side, u know....puff raw killas on my fre time;-)”

"WUSSUP TRIZZLE WIZZLE. COME RIDE WIF ME AN MY BOYZZZZZ!"

tracy goes to west virginia has dumbest conversation of her life

The conversation below took place at a gas station near the New River Gorge in West Virginia.

Some friends and I were on our way to Bridge Day, a really cool event where over 500 base jumpers leap into one of the largest gorges in the US. You can check it out at http://www.wvbridgeday.com.

We had been driving for hours and stopped for gas, beer, jerky and whatever else you get for a camping trip in West Virginia.

I decided to get some cash just in case I needed it for anything. Little did I know I was about to have the dumbest conversation of my life. Please note that this took place in October of 2000 and the invention of the ATM machine occured in the year of our lord, 1967.

Me to Gas Station Cashier: "Where is your ATM?"

Dumb Ass Cashier: "Our what?"

Me: "Your ATM."

Dumb Ass Cashier: "Our what?"

Me: "Your ATM."

Dumb Ass Cashier: "Our what?"

Me: "Your ATM."

Dumb Ass Cashier: "Our what?"

Me: "Your ATM."

Dumb Ass Cashier: "Our what?"

Me: "Your ATM."

Dumb Ass Cashier: "Our what?"

Me: "Your ATM."

Dumb Ass Cashier: "Our what?"

Me: "A little bank that you stick your bank card in press some buttons and money comes out."

Dumb Ass Cashier: "Oh, we aint got one them."


Thank you. 128 of my brain cells just committed suicide during that conversation.

"Shoooooot, and this whole dang time I thought it was a dang urinal!"

worst day ever

I hate cops and I hate southerners and I hate dentist offices and I hate mini-vans.

These things decided to join forces one day last month to ruin my already horrific morning.

I know after reading this you will tell me that I am an asshole and the entire situation was my own fault. I am fully aware that I am a retard thank you.

I was driving my Dad’s mini-van while in Virginia to the dentist when I got pulled over.

My Dad’s mini-van sucks because it is new and shiny and doesn’t seem like its going that fast when you are doing 80 in a 55. Cops in Virginia suck because they have nothing else to do but give people speeding tickets and be fat and ugly. My dentist office sucks because they decided NOT to check with my insurance company in NY to see if I’m covered out of network until AFTER I got x-rayed and cleaned even though I ASKED them twice to check before because I wasn’t SURE if I was covered.

Gas for the mini-van $20
Speeding Ticket from suck ass cop- $170
Dentist Visit full of nothing fun- $140

$300+ dollars later and now I have to get fitted for a mouth piece to wear while sleeping to stop the grinding which has apparently been slowly crushing my teeth into tic tacs.