a real bear would not put up with this shit

One of my first jobs in high school was working for a chain restaurant called Shoneys. If you are not familiar with Shoneys its a family restaurant similar to Denny’s, Red Lobster, or Captain D’s. In other words mediocre food, questionable service, and extremely unattractive clientele.

Aside from the occasionally alarming, albeit somewhat entertaining sexual harassment from the line cooks; and the constant smell of disinfectant and chicken fingers, the job was really not so bad. That is of course because I had the best position you can possibly obtain at Shoneys. Yes my friends, I was the Shoney Bear.



I wish I had a picture of the actual costume; this just doesn’t do it justice.

Keep in mind that when I was 16 I weighed about 98lbs so the costume looked pretty bizarre on me than it would on say, the 200lb 6’3 dude that was Shoney Bear before me. I looked like an anorexic cartoon bear with a crack habit and a gargantuan head. It was quite ridiculous looking especially given the fact that you could tell I had breasts through the shirt.

On one occasion a little boy came up to me and asked if I was a girl Shoney Bear or a boy Shoney Bear while staring directly up at my chest. I was given explicit instructions to not talk while wearing the costume so I gave an animated shrug and grumbled something in the way of Scooby Doo, like “ridontknow”. Suffice it to say I don’t think it was Shoneys intention to confuse children in regards to sexual identification.

Another incident occurred on Kids Night when kids eat free. This usually attracts, oh I don’t know, a eleventy billion families. As I was in the lobby being savagely groped by 3 little kids this obese child flies through the door at warp speed, grabs me around the waist screaming frantically how he loves me. I had to lean back and hold on to chubba with all my might so as to not fall down. Remember I was 98lbs and this kid was like a miniature sumo wrestler. It was all very cute until my giant Shoney Bear head ever so slightly tipped the fuck off my costume.All the children gasped in shock and horror. A few cried, I heard at least one say, “Shoney Bear is NOT REAL”, and one mother covered her daughters face.

Aside from these unfortunate instances I was a very likable Shoney Bear. In fact, the kids enjoyed my antics so much that my manager offered my “services” to other Shoneys Franchisee in the area.

It was the summer of 1993 when I was working at a location in the heart of Richmond VA when my career as Shoney Bear came to its ultimate demise. I was standing on the corner of a very busy highway waving at traffic and doing retarded dances when a truck filled with construction workers drove by and threw empty beer cans at me shouting, “Get a real job Shoney Bear, you loser!”

I must say it was rather unsettling. (I mean, this was the best job I had ever had, and sadly remains as such to this day.) Confusion quickly turned to rage as I attempted the most obscene gestures as possible in retaliation. My giant paws fortunately had opposable thumbs but they lacked separated digits. Just imagine, a skinny big headed bear on the side of the road making frantic attempts at flicking off construction workers.

That’s when I called it quits, I walked in the managers office and turned in my huge head.

But this is not a sad story kids, I am grateful to have served my country as a pancake pushing giant appendaged hermaphrodite.