monkeys dress better than my brother

pet heaves

Nothing grosses me out more than people with deplorable eating habbits.

Food is a huge pet peeve of mine. I cannot stand when people make mouth noises, do not know that napkins are for wiping their mouths not their sweaty foreheads after a particularly difficult battle with a burrito, and people who generally do not know that they look absolutely revolting when they are shoving slabs of beef into their head holes.

It disgusts me on such a level that I can hardly explain. But of course I will…

I was recently on a city bus traveling to JFK, yes I know, you can find cleaner more attractive people in gas station bathrooms. Or Whitney Houston’s house.

I was sitting across from a guy eating his lunch that apparently didn’t realize anyone was watching him, that and he had never had formal utensil training in his entire life.

He had a salad, a yogurt and a diet Snapple, way to go healthy guy!

Greedy McGrossenfart proceeded to eat his salad down to the very last drip of dressing; I know this because he stuck his head in the plastic container and rubbed his face all over it. He then scooped his spoon in his yogurt container after it was completely finished so many times I could hardly stop myself from screaming at the top of my lungs ITS GONE, LET IT GO, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. He then gulped his Snapple in one ginourmous slurping burbing gulp and continued to dip his finger into his yogurt container and lick it over and over and over again.

Can't you AT LEAST keep the food on your plate!

Next time I take the bus I’ll remember my rabies vaccine.

ambien, continuing coverage...

After my post about Ambien, and after receiving many calls from friends noting that I MUST have also called them when I was all doped up on this drug (when in fact I was just extremely drunk and alone naked in my bathtub not unlike any Tuesday) several reports on the dangers of the drug began emerging. Leave it to me to always be on the height of prescription drug abuse fashion.

While some of these stories border on the hilarious side, others are much more serious. There have been reports of people shopping online to driving their cars and not remembering because they were all cranked out on Ambien. Of course the reports of people blacked out binge eating and having sex with their partners can surely account for my recent weight gain of 85lbs and my contraction of several new STD’s, I refuse to become a slave to any drug.

I cannot understand how people become so easily addicted to these things. I take 10mg of Ambien 1 to 2 times per week to aide me in my snuggles with my man shaped body pillow, of course the other nights I spend bashing my head against the wall until unconscious but that’s neither here nor there.

Seriously, I need it.

There have also been stories of people becoming so dependent on this drug that they sell their Ambien addicted babies on the black market for more of the sleep inducing white rabbit. Okay I made that one up. But come on, when CBS news starts reporting on how people are going online and buying stoves and not remembering? That is when I start to make fun of the situation.

And a stove? At least buy something cool in your Ambien haze, like mail-order Thai prostitutes.

thank you people

Not you guys. People magazine.

I get free magazines at work and no matter how many times I pick up Newsweek, Weekly News and World Report or the New Yorker I just cannot stop myself from reading silly rags that I consider People to be in the category of.

I have MUCH more important things to think about than Brangelina! (ps- that word makes me want to shoot myself in the face).

So thank you People for your Special Double Edition with your coverage on the worlds 100 most beautiful people. In your long running history of covering beautiful people, thank you for your continued diversified choices like Angelina Jolie, Halle Barry, Brad Pitt, and George Clooney.

It reminds me a little of People's 100 Most Beautiful People last year where they chose Angelina Jolie, Halle Barry, Brad Pitt, and George Clooney as some of the worlds 100 most beautiful people.

no. way. did I see that coming.

One surprising new addition to the list is the gorgeous Moon Bloodgood from our favorite blockbuster movie Win a Date with Tad Hamilton (read: 8 people saw this movie).

If anything she should be rewarded for having the most reoccurring vowels in one persons name ever.

Moon Bloodgood is soooo coool.