i am a crying ball of mush

I wish I had a fast forward button or a heart made of barbed wire and killer ants.

I cried this morning when the little old black lady I buy a banana from every morning asked me why I looked so sad. I also drank 6 beers last night getting advice from the alcoholic that no one talks to in the bar I live above. The little bit of what I understood through his slurred ramblings was "burn all your bridgeths" and don't ever pass out with a cigarette in your mouth waking up to hair on fire.

I have cried in front of exactly 3 people my entire life sustaining my need to remain somewhere between an emotionally strong woman and a happy kitty cat lover. I have added 16 to that list in the past 2 days.

At the risk of blatantly copying my friend Dusty's (http://porktornado.diaryland.com/riley.html) brilliant idea to make up words that have not yet been created due to a situation becoming utterly incomprehensible, I have taken it upon myself to invent my own word for my current state of having my ginourmous heart ripped completely from my voluptuous bosom and plowed over by a monster truck full of klu klux klan members and proffessional baby eaters. And that word is..

Fuckinsuckashitihatebreakingupalottus

I am still in the middle of the shit filled tunnel with only a broken flashlight at the end. I know soon there will be a bright light at the end; either that or I will be violently run over by a speeding train full of angry lions and napalm. I am slightly better than just a short while ago though, if you call better walking down the street like a catatonic zombie who just lost her best friend and puppy in a cancer related car accident.

A friend told me once that nothing worthwhile is ever easy. That being most exactly true, I still feel the incredible urge to throw myself into work/ friends/ parties and whatever else I can find to keep myself busy right now.

So in an attempt to find a therapeutic manner in which to healthily convey my thoughts and not stab myself in the eye with my letter opener I am writing this entry to sooth my soul. I will take great comfort in the fact that myself, my mom, and my roommate will be among the 5 people to ever read it.

I love you guys, I'm gonna go cry to the guy in the copy center now.