things that are not 25.

I briefly paid attention to that '25 things' craze on facebook a while ago and it was interesting but slightly too annoying for words. Recently while waiting for an appointment I read 3 famous actor's '25 things' in a crap magazine which upset me and led to this.

My 25 things.

1. I have no eyebrows. Stop telling me this.

2. I hate anything sweet but will eat and drink carbs till the cows come home, and bring milk. I like milk too.

3. When I was 12 my brother ‘shirted me’ (lifted my shirt over my head) in front of the neighborhood boy I was in love with. It took me 20 some years (never) to get over it.

4. I tell people I have not one cavity when in fact I have a two small ones that were filled years ago. I don’t like to talk about it.

5. I like to imagine... that I am nothing in the world but the way that I am. (ghey)

6. Non democratic countries eventually encounter civil unrest, power of the people these days is stronger than dictators think.

7. I wish I could transport myself in 2 seconds to any country in the world. Like star trek.

8. Athlete or not, why would you want to increase your pain threshold?

9. Why do people forget how to drive while in a parking lot. Or in Virginia.

10. I like turning 25 things about me into a list of grievances.

11. What the hell is up with Diane Reams on NPR? She sounds like a corpse.

12. Education is neither difficult nor expensive to obtain, open a book or watch any news non Fox related.

13. I was a bully in kindergarten then got bullied in school for a brief period, until I learned to be a somewhat funny.

14. We always bitch about things we cannot understand but rarely do we try to understand them.

15. Really Florida? You are going to boycott health-care reform, as a state? Makes sense. Yet another reason to hate Florida.

16. If you don’t tell me what you want you won’t get it.

17. Facebook is more popular than the English dictionary, unfortunately.

18. I like unicorns and anything japaname.

19. My mom was a bigger tomboy than all of my brothers put together, this is why I look like a fat lesbian in all of my school photos. No offense lesbians.

20. Don’t let people take advantage of you, it leads only to uneasiness and lack of pay.

21. Once when I was a kid I ate dirt just to see what all the fuss was about.

22. Pro Mubarak protesters are dressed up government officials. Seriously who likes this guy?

23. If you give someone a piece of shit and ask them to turn it into gold it will always smell of shit.

24. Obama is not as bad as you think.

25. Idea: Manufacture renewable energy; then we are not dependent upon foreign oil. OR, let every other country in the world do it and we do nothing, and then be dependent upon foreign renewable energy.

26. Everyone wants to punch that person in the face who says you will find love one day when you least expect it. You will.

27. I have 3 brothers who tortured me as a child and I would not trade them for anything in the world.

28. I am obsessed with all babies that do not belong to me. Yey womb, you stay you!

29. I can’t count.

Begin the Beguine

For the next few months I will be travelling, check the new blog.

chewey

shelf help

Check out some self help book title's you want to avoid, posted by radaronline

1. He's Just Not That Into You: He's Into Your Hotter, Less Whiny Friend

2. Suck It Up: No One in the Sudan Has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

3. Chicken Soup for the Impotent

4. Six Weeks and $80,000 in Elective Surgery to a Better You

5. All I Really Need to Know I've Ignored Since Medical School

6. Suicide: Do It

7. The Tapeworm Diet

8. AIDS, SchmAIDS

9. A Friendly Guide to Cockfighting

10. Who Moved My Bowels?

11. 101 Things You Might Have Accomplished If You Could Travel Back in Time to the Moment You Began Reading This Book Title

12. Anal Only: Raising Your Christian Teen as a Technical Virgin

13. Feel Better With Lard

14. Tokyo on $750 a Day

15. 1,001 Vocabulary Words to Memorize But Not Grasp the Nuances of

16. Shut Up About Your Dead Wife! Dating After 60

17. Really, Must You? Sex After 70

18. Buy Low, Eat Crayons: Stock Market Advice From a Retarded Person

19. Everything You Always Wanted to Know About the Opposite Sex but Were Tasered for Asking Previously

20. Loving What the Hell's Her Name? A Guide for the Parent of the Unexceptional Child

21. gary iz a fag: The Collected Wisdom of Public Bathroom Stalls


22. I'm Okay, You're Suffering From an Incredibly Rare Strain of Tuberculosis

23. Children's Unopened and Unanswered Letters to God

24. tracy u need to get YOUR OWN MAN cuz you a skank!: The Collected Wisdom of Public Bathroom Stalls for Women

25. Conflict Resolution, the Pol Pot Way

26. "I'll Give You Something to Cry About": Insights and Inspiration From Alcoholic Dads

27. 12 Days to a Thinner, Weirder-Looking Penis

28. 20 Places to Visit Before They're Ethnically Cleansed

29. Don't Sweat the Small Stuff (And It's All Small Stuff), Unless You're Reading This in a Burn Unit

30. The Complete Idiot's Guide to Amputation

31. I Beat Cancer Using the Power of Laughter and a Rigorous and Painful Schedule of Chemotherapy

32. If You Don't Buy Exactly 73 Copies of This Book, Something Terrible Will Happen: Mastering Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

33. 437 Middle-Age Women Share Anecdotes About Menopause for Some Reason

34. Yesterday Was Yesterday: Living Each New Day as if You Hadn't Already Ruined Your Life

35. Six Weeks to Thicker Ankles

36. Some Women Are Also From Mars: Learning to Love a She-Male

37. Are You Sure You Want Seconds? Instilling Your Child's Eating Disorder

38. 101 Reasons Everyone Hates Your Stupid Face

39. I Live in the Woods Beneath a Sheet of Corrugated Cardboard—And You Can, Too!

40. Drink Yourself Married

41. Coping With Your Hideous Vagina

42. YOU: Grimly Eating Lunch Alone in Your Car

43. The Four-Minute Workweek: Sell Your Semen!

44. Move the Fuck to Florida, Already: A Commonsense Approach to Seasonal Affective Disorder

45. Controlling Your Rage With Arson

46. Nostradamus' Predictions About Your Shitty Life

47. Now What, Ya Asshole? Life Counseling for the Recently Fired

48. Multitasking While Weeping

49. Prance Away the Gay

50. A Spiritual Solution to That Rash on Your Thigh

Check out the rest here

em...i didnt order that on my pizza

When I first moved from the south to NYC I was often impossible to shock lest I seem like the naive redneck at heart that I am. Whether I was faking it or not, I tried not to let alarming things alarm.

So it was really no big deal when I went to the pizza place accross the street from my new apt for the first time, asked for an ATM and all of a sudden had a pile of boobs in my face.

My roomate and I often stopped for a slice returning home after booze sessions, forgetting in our blissful inebriation the sticky horror that lay a mere few feet away.

waughshington

a real bear would not put up with this shit

One of my first jobs in high school was working for a chain restaurant called Shoneys. If you are not familiar with Shoneys its a family restaurant similar to Denny’s, Red Lobster, or Captain D’s. In other words mediocre food, questionable service, and extremely unattractive clientele.

Aside from the occasionally alarming, albeit somewhat entertaining sexual harassment from the line cooks; and the constant smell of disinfectant and chicken fingers, the job was really not so bad. That is of course because I had the best position you can possibly obtain at Shoneys. Yes my friends, I was the Shoney Bear.



I wish I had a picture of the actual costume; this just doesn’t do it justice.

Keep in mind that when I was 16 I weighed about 98lbs so the costume looked pretty bizarre on me than it would on say, the 200lb 6’3 dude that was Shoney Bear before me. I looked like an anorexic cartoon bear with a crack habit and a gargantuan head. It was quite ridiculous looking especially given the fact that you could tell I had breasts through the shirt.

On one occasion a little boy came up to me and asked if I was a girl Shoney Bear or a boy Shoney Bear while staring directly up at my chest. I was given explicit instructions to not talk while wearing the costume so I gave an animated shrug and grumbled something in the way of Scooby Doo, like “ridontknow”. Suffice it to say I don’t think it was Shoneys intention to confuse children in regards to sexual identification.

Another incident occurred on Kids Night when kids eat free. This usually attracts, oh I don’t know, a eleventy billion families. As I was in the lobby being savagely groped by 3 little kids this obese child flies through the door at warp speed, grabs me around the waist screaming frantically how he loves me. I had to lean back and hold on to chubba with all my might so as to not fall down. Remember I was 98lbs and this kid was like a miniature sumo wrestler. It was all very cute until my giant Shoney Bear head ever so slightly tipped the fuck off my costume.All the children gasped in shock and horror. A few cried, I heard at least one say, “Shoney Bear is NOT REAL”, and one mother covered her daughters face.

Aside from these unfortunate instances I was a very likable Shoney Bear. In fact, the kids enjoyed my antics so much that my manager offered my “services” to other Shoneys Franchisee in the area.

It was the summer of 1993 when I was working at a location in the heart of Richmond VA when my career as Shoney Bear came to its ultimate demise. I was standing on the corner of a very busy highway waving at traffic and doing retarded dances when a truck filled with construction workers drove by and threw empty beer cans at me shouting, “Get a real job Shoney Bear, you loser!”

I must say it was rather unsettling. (I mean, this was the best job I had ever had, and sadly remains as such to this day.) Confusion quickly turned to rage as I attempted the most obscene gestures as possible in retaliation. My giant paws fortunately had opposable thumbs but they lacked separated digits. Just imagine, a skinny big headed bear on the side of the road making frantic attempts at flicking off construction workers.

That’s when I called it quits, I walked in the managers office and turned in my huge head.

But this is not a sad story kids, I am grateful to have served my country as a pancake pushing giant appendaged hermaphrodite.